


the ghost of her past (and the one in her apartment)

by honeyeji



Category: ITZY (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Choi Jisu | Lia is a Ghost, Death, Disbandment, F/F, Falling In Love, Flashbacks, Ghosts, Girls Kissing, Idol AU, Love Confessions, Non-Violent Death, Past Relationship(s), Supernatural Elements, yeji talks to her coffee maker, you like angst? here you go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:06:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27178310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeyeji/pseuds/honeyeji
Summary: Jisu's dead. And Jisu is also sitting on her couch, checking her phone in the corner of Yeji's eye.The glass in her hand falls and shatters into a million pieces, water everywhere. Jisu vanishes.Yeji curls up and sobs. She sits right on top of all the broken glass, spilled water soaking into her jeans, and cries.(alternatively: Yeji has never really gotten over Jisu's sudden death and her appearance in Yeji's life makes it so much harder to move on.)
Relationships: Choi Jisu | Lia/Hwang Yeji
Comments: 18
Kudos: 68





	the ghost of her past (and the one in her apartment)

**Author's Note:**

> *slams fist on table* ghost rights!!!  
> i'm honestly not good at fantasy, and this doesn't even classify as horror. it's just ghost jisu coming back to "haunt" yeji who never really got over her. it's my first time writing something as angsty as this. also i alternate scenes between current day and yeji's flashbacks.  
> reminder: i wrote the majority of this months ago and recently reopened it to finish it... when i talk about their "recent comeback" i'm referring to the moment when wannabe literally popped out of the JYPE womb  
> hope you enjoy!

  
  


The worst moment of Yeji's life was checking on Jisu in the bathroom of some cafe they were shooting at for some tv show and finding Jisu, white as a sheet, slumped over the sink, the faucet still running.

Yeji had screamed.

Screamed so loud that Ryujin had screamed back jokingly, made the camera crew check up on her, made Chaeryeong peek through the cracked door just to hear her gasp, made Yuna curious enough to check, made everything  _ shift _ .

Jisu's death wasn't bloody or graphic. Just a brain aneurysm.

"It can happen to anyone," the doctor said to ITZY as they stared tearfully at the dead body that was Jisu, a thin, white sheet covering her body. "It can strike whenever."

Chaeryeong had collapsed into a puddle of tears and Yuna was blubbering, rubbing her snot all over Yeji's sweater. Yeji had pulled her close and pressed soft kisses to her face, a reassurance.

Ryujin didn't take Jisu's death well. She refused to talk about, stormed out whenever anyone cried, and sobbed loudly in the shower. 

All it took was Jisu's death, and suddenly, ITZY wasn't ITZY anymore. And the official statement from JYPE summed it up pretty good: Jisu died of a sudden brain aneurysm. ITZY was taking an indefinite hiatus. Everyone keep calm.

Not only Midzys, but other kpop fans mourned for Jisu. It trended on Twitter. Album sales skyrocketed. ITZY was faced with an abundance of fans and supporters. 

Chaeryeong was more sensitive than the others: an "I'm so sorry for your loss" was all it took to break her into a sniffling mess. Yuna took a bit longer to break down, but Ryujin seemed worse. She tensed up whenever anyone mentioned Jisu. Her face turned a blotchy red from keeping the tears inside. 

It was horrible, having to pack up Jisu's things and send it to her parents. 

It was horrible, seeing the group like this.

They had their next comeback. It did exponentially well, but it was awkward without seeing Lia there. The fans realized it.

ITZY disbanded.

They disbanded years ago.

So why does she see Jisu now?

Jisu's dead. And Jisu is also sitting on her couch, checking her phone in the corner of her eye.

The glass in her hand falls and shatters into a million pieces, water everywhere. Jisu vanishes.

Yeji curls up and sobs. She sits right on top of all the broken glass, spilled water soaking into her jeans, and cries.

She dreams of Jisu that night.

They used to have a "date night", where they'd splurge on some cheap, boxed wine with a fancy label and watch whatever shitty drawn-out romance series that was on TV and talk.

"Can I kiss you?" Jisu giggles, cheeks flushed from her fourth glass. "You're so cute."

"Yeah, okay," Yeji agrees, setting down her wineglass. "I am cute."

"Shut up," Jisu says, smiley. She looks like she's glowing, to Yeji's drunk brain. She looks too pretty.

Jisu leans over and pecks her lips. They giggle again and Jisu tries for a longer kiss, pressing her lips firmly against Yeji's.

"You're so bad at this," Yeji pulls away, "who was your first kiss?"

"This guy-" Jisu hiccups. "From like, eighth grade? He asked me out on a date to some ice cream place, right? Then he kissed me and left and we never talked again."

Yeji dissolves into laughter. "Wait, so he kissed you and left? What a bad date. Thank God ours is so much better."

"Yeah, thank God," Jisu echoes. She raises her wineglass and Yeji says "cheers" and clinks theirs together.

"Can I kiss you again?" Jisu asks. "Please?"

"I don't see why not," Yeji says. Drunk Yeji is amicable to anything. She'd probably jump off the roof if someone asked her too.

Jisu kisses her cheek, laying a chain of butterfly kisses up her forehead, down her nose, on her lips, and over her throat.

"It tickles," Yeji whispers. "Jisu, you're so good at this."

"I have really sexy lips," Jisu whispers back. "It's part of the package."

Yeji laughs. "I think I have The Sexiest Lips. Just saying."

"Lies," Jisu hisses, placing a loud, wet kiss on her collarbone. Yeji shivers.

"Yeji, I like you a lot, okay?" Jisu's eyes are bright. "You're my favorite, but don't tell anyone."

"I promise," Yeji says, holding her pinkie finger up. They link their pinkies and shake on it.

Her coffee maker has been making a suspicious gurgling noise that makes Yeji fear for her life. One day, her coffee maker is going to explode and imbed broken plastic and coffee into her body and she'll become a superhuman. She can't handle being a superhero. She has a job. And a natural fear of dying. 

"Please shut the fuck up," Yeji begs her tiny machine. The coffee maker gurgles loudly in response, sounding agitated.

"Not today," Yeji grumbles back. The coffee maker makes a soft trill in response and Yeji nods.

"Thank you," Yeji says. "Really means a lot."

Yeji works as a choreographer for JYPE. She works with boy groups mostly but devotes her softer pieces to girl groups. She always has a soft spot for girl groups because she used to be in one. And they have a soft spot for her because Yeji understands what it's like to be a girl group member.

Yuna does modeling now, Ryujin dabbles in acting, and Chaeryeong is starting culinary school. They've moved on from ITZY. The only time they get together is their debut day, Jisu's death anniversary, and birthdays. And even then, they've been slacking on the birthday department. They're getting older.

As Yeji passes by the mirror hanging from the wall next to her keys, she sees her. Jisu. Jisu waves goodbye.

Yeji blinks and she's gone.

Work is bad today.

Some boy group's leader is out with the cold, so they're all a little on edge. The younger members start to jokingly complain about it until the older members shut them up, trying to discreetly nudge their heads at Yeji, who's group member literally died.

"It's fine," Yeji says. "You can complain to me. I know what it's like to be an idol. You don't have to worry."

Yeji worries about them.

Her favorite girl group, a large gaggle of girls who laugh easily at things, cheer her up. They're starting their comeback again, but haven't started their comeback diet, so they're healthy and happy as of now. Yeji makes a bet with them: if they learn the choreography to  _ What Is Love? _ , she has to buy them snacks.

They only learn the chorus and bridge, but she still takes them to the convenience store and lets them pick out one snack each.

The group's manager asks if she would ever look into managing groups herself and Yeji laughs outright. 

When she goes back home to a dark apartment, Jisu is nowhere to be found.

Yeji doesn't know if she's happy or sad about it.

  
  


"I'm so sorry, Yeji," Jisu's face is so red, it's almost funny. "I was drunk and feeling clingy, and I guess..."

"It's fine, Jisu," Yeji says. They've been going over some B-track choreo that Jisu has yet to really get the hang of and the dance practice studio is dimly lit.

"Are you sure?" Jisu practically pouts.

"Yeah, 'course, Su," Yeji said. "Besides, it was the most action I've ever gotten since joining JYPE. Is that dumb?"

"No," Jisu says, her face turning red again. "Not dumb at all."

"Aww, don't be shy," Yeji teases, inching closer. "We were drunk. Drunk people have done crazier stuff."

"Yeah, you're totally right," Jisu nods. "So why am I still so embarrassed?"

"Because you're a pigeon who has found your soulmate pigeon." Yeji deadpans. "This is all a dream, Jisu. You can fly. Wake up."

  
  


Ironically, Yeji does wake up and has another fucking conversation with her coffee maker.

"No superhero making today," Yeji reprimands her coffee maker. "Just coffee making."

The coffee maker (damn, Yeji really needs a name for it at this point. Calling it coffee maker really isn't cutting it.) makes a bubbly, hburlgbuglr noise.

"Thanks for being so thoughtful," Yeji says. "You're too kind to me, really."

The coffee maker makes another cursed beep and Yeji lifts her empty mug in gratitude. 

"Cheers, I'll literally drink to that, bro," she says, checking her phone notifications.

When she looks up, Jisu is sitting across from her, beaming. Her chin is propped by her hand, hair perfectly pulled back into the most Pinterest, casual ponytail.

Yeji doesn't dare blink, doesn't dare breathe.

"HUDFLHRBD," her coffee maker, now christened Deborah, gags out. What an attention whore. Yeji turns to give Deborah a disappointed look but realizes her mistake too late. Jisu is gone.

Maybe it's all in her head. Maybe this is some weird fucking memory trauma thing that her brain is putting her through because she didn't process it right. Like it had to be reprocessed because some guy fucked up the paperwork. 

Maybe it is a ghost, and Yeji is legit being haunted. Like maybe every time she talks to Deborah, the “ghost” of Jisu'll laugh at her, and every time she cries from one look at herself in the mirror, it'll cringe and look away. A see-through judge of her life that deems it appropriate to watch her. Reactions.

Whatever it is, it's messing with Yeji. Every time she hopes to see Jisu, Jisu isn't there. Every time she isn't thinking about her, Jisu appears. 

Why?

"Happy birthday to youuuu," Yeji, Ryujin, and Yuna all add weird twists to the song, harmonizing three different pitches. Ryujin hits the lowest, Yeji hits the middle, and Yuna basically screams. Chaeryeong has stuffed her face into a throw pillow to muffle her laughter.

They finally end and cheer, Ryujin cutting the cake up nicely. Chocolate. Chaeryeong's favorite.

"What's it like being old?" Yuna mocks cheerfully. "You know, I used to hate it when you babied me, but now I have the power. You guys are old and your bones crack A Lot nowadays."

"Rude," Yeji sniffs, passing out plates and forks. "I'll have you know my bone-cracking is completely accidental."

"Please," Chaeryeong snorts. "Remember when you cracked your knuckles and we took you to ER because we all thought you broke your hands?"

"We  _ are _ old," Ryujin says thoughtfully. "This sucks."

They high-five and Yuna rolls her eyes. They wait for Chaeryeong to take the first bite of her birthday cake before digging into their own slices. Yuna has stuffed half of it in her mouth already, while Chaeryeong's barely made a dent in hers. Ryujin has sucked up all the icing off of hers. Yeji's heart hurts. If Jisu hadn't died, maybe this could've been them, every day. Becoming a senior group. Having more comebacks and albums. Eating birthday cake and joking around every time someone aged up. 

"Ryujin has the only best ability, which is picking the best cake," Yuna sighs, chocolate icing on the corner of her mouth. She looks like she's sixteen again.

"You got that right," Ryujin winks at Yuna, who sticks her tongue out. "And Chaeryeong's the one in culinary school. Honestly, Ryeong."

"Yeah, honestly, Ryeong," Yeji mimics.

"YeAh, hoNestly, RyeonG," Yuna repeats, using a more exaggerated mocking tone.

Chaeryeong giggles. "Sorry for wanting to be surprised."

"Bitch, we always get you chocolate," Ryujin sets down her fork and tickles Chaeryeong. 

"Sorry, I just thought you'd change it up a bit," Chaeryeong yelps. "I mean, you never get ice cream cake anymore and Jisu-"

Ryujin stops tickling Chaeryeong. It gets too quiet.

"Sorry," Chaeryeong whispers. "I shouldn't have mentioned... I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Ryeong," Yeji says, but her voice sounds flimsy to her ears. "We all miss her."

"We'll get you ice cream cake next year," Yuna promises. 

"Then it's not much of a surprise, is it?" Ryujin tries to joke, but it falls flat. They'll get ice cream cake next year. 

"We're too old for surprises anyway," Chaeryeong says. 

Yuna snorts and an "I'll say" that slips past her lips is almost quiet enough for Yeji not to hear. Almost.

"You're lucky you're cute," Yeji jams her fingers into Yuna's sides, making her double over.

"Help!" Yuna begs, tears in her eyes. "I'm being bullied!"

"Serves you right," Ryujin replies, a teasing smile on her face.

They're okay.

  
  


After too much karaoke (although the entire Twice discography could never be Too Much for Yeji, the ultimate Once) and too much flavored soju, they finally hail a taxi and crash at Yeji's apartment. It's the closest apartment to the cheap  _ noraebang _ they picked out and Ryujin is one sudden movement away from passing out, so Yeji's apartment it is!

After fumbling with the passcode for an embarrassing five minutes, they finally collapse in the living room. Chaeryeong in the guest bedroom (the birthday girl always gets the room to themselves), Ryujin sharing the bed with Yeji, Yuna on the couch. Yeji has finally distributed all the blankets and pillows she has and turns to check up on Yuna.

Jisu sits on the armchair next to the couch Yuna is currently snoring on. She's smiling at Yuna, who rolls over and almost falls off. Yeji quickly pushes her back onto the couch. When she turns back to the armchair, Jisu is still there. She's beaming at Yeji.

Yeji stumbles to the ground, her butt absorbing the impact of her fall painfully.

Jisu stands up and walks toward Yeji, offering a hand to her.

Please God, let her be real, Yeji silently begs, reaching a hand up to Jisu's. Please please please. 

Just as Yeji reaches for Jisu's hand, she's gone, and Yeji is left grasping at air, tears prickling at her eyes.

"Yeji?" 

Yeji jumps, visibly startled. It's barely 7 am, but she's outside on her balcony, sipping her way through a glass of water.

"Oh, Ryeong," Yeji relaxes. "Drink some water."

They sit on the balcony together, sharing a glass of water. The morning air is still cool and feels good at her hot skin, courtesy of her hangover.

"It's nice out," Chaeryeong comments blandly, watching the city lights turn on slowly, the sun peeking through the horizon.

"It really is," Yeji says. 

"I miss Jisu," Chaeryeong says after a pause in their conversation. "I miss her a lot."

"Me too."

"Sometimes, I feel like I should hate her for dying. The group disbanded because of it. I've worked so hard to debut and now it's just... I don't know. Does that make me a bad person?"

"No," Yeji says finally. "I- yeah. I wish I did a lot more things with us, as ITZY before she died. I wish I made her go to more doctor's appointments, y'know?"

Chaeryeong nods.

Yeji takes the glass and goes to refill it.

Jisu leans against the counter, her face solemn. Her eyes are sad.

"Hi," Yeji whispers to her. To her memory Jisu. To the ghost Jisu. To whoever she is. To Jisu.

She refills their water glass and goes back outside, where Chaeryeong admires the view.

"I'm glad we all met, at least," Yeji says, placing the glass down. "I really don't think I could've been friends with Ryujin if I didn't know her. She looks so cool."

"Little do others know, she's a massive loser," Chaeryeong cracks. Yeji laughs.

  
  


"Can you kiss me again?" Yeji asks, her vision fuzzy around the edges. A ballad OST plays in the background while the main characters maintain steamy eye contact for five minutes in eight different camera angles. 

"You want me to kiss you?" Jisu brightens. She leans forward and peppers Yeji's face with kisses.

Yeji squirms, ticklish.

"Stop moving," Jisu orders, her lips on Yeji's jaw.

"Okay," Yeji says. Okay. Okay.

"Jisu, you're pretty," Yeji blurts. "Your lips are sexy."

"I told you I had the sexiest lips," Jisu smiles.

"I can't believe I'm so touch-starved," Yeji sighs. Jisu laughs. 

"God, me too," Jisu says. "But it's okay between us because we're Yejisu."

"Yejisu," Yeji says, thinking. "Our names are proof of intelligent design. Our names are perfect for each other."

"Wait, how?" Jisu sits up, confused.

Yeji scrambles around for a pen and a piece of paper. In practiced strokes, she writes:

YE JI

JI SU

"If you go from top to bottom or side to side, then it makes our names," Yeji says. "Yeji, Jisu, Yeji, Jisu. See?"

"Yeji, you're a genius."

It ends up on the fridge like it's a child's art. It belongs up there with the rest of the fanart they've collected from fan meetings.

  
  


"GURLBBRUGHURPG," Deborah screams. She seems angry today and honestly, Yeji can't blame her.

"Yeah, I know," Yeji sighs in response, giving Deborah a languid pat on the lid. 

"GURlFhRUfrbfdjgfdh," Deborah calms down a little. Yeji pats Deborah again, and Deborah makes a series of beeps. Hmm. Maybe AI is taking over the world and Deborah will someday rule over her. Oh well.

"It do be like that," Yeji replies. "But no explosions today. I have a bit of a free day at work, and I can't wait to use it."

It's not really a free day. They've just set their idol groups out into the wild (variety shows, travel, radio show, etc.) and Yeji gets the time to develop some more pieces.

She gets the entire studio to herself and records herself. She tries to freestyle a bit to see if she likes a part in it and work with it. Not to have an out-of-body experience or anything, but this lump of flesh and bones is for her manipulation and use. She can have it for decades and use it to her fullest potential doing whatever. She can just be swinging her arms around, but she can do it! And she can get great at it!

She spills coffee on herself while miming an arm swing. Deborah makes a disappointed noise. Yeji agrees.

She changes and finishes her coffee, blasts out of her apartment, and goes to work, ready to spin arms For Real this time.

She leaves so quickly that she doesn't see Jisu waving from her spot on the couch.

  
  


"YEJI," someone bellows. Yeji is fully scared at this point, trying to spot the screamer. Other shoppers at the supermarket give her weird looks.

The screamer is Yuna. All she has in her cart is fancy, expensive, freshly pressed juice.

"I'm on a cleanse," Yuna explains. "Oh Jesus, I sound so..." She shudders.

"Ooh, Yuna is on a cleanse," Yeji squeals in her worst falsetto. "Yuna-sunbaenim, I love you!"

"Shut up," Yuna says. "The only fans I really have are old Midzys."

"Yeah, I should've realized," Yeji shrugs. "Yuna-dumb-baenim."

"True," Yuna says. "I do be sort of dumb."

"Yuna-dumb-baenim it is," Yeji says, picking up some apples. 

"Nice seeing you around," Yuna says once they finish shopping and checkout together.

"Yeah, you too," Yeji says. Already, they're slipping into "oh, nice seeing you here!" territory. Her fingers twitch.

Jisu doesn't appear until a week later, sitting on Yeji's bed. Yeji is blinking sleep out of her eyes, the need to pee stronger than her need to sleep. She attempts to get out of bed a second time but catches the gaze of Jisu, who perches on the side of the bed.

The bed dips under Jisu's weight, just a little. It's enough for her to hope. Her brain Jisu can't make the bed weigh down. Maybe. No.

"It's been years, Jisu," Yeji says, voice cracking. "Why now?"

Jisu looks away, kicking her feet up. 

"Why me?" She asks. "Why?"

Jisu flops onto her bed, hair strewn over her blankets. For a moment, Yeji believes she can feel the slight weight of her hair, the wind propelled from her flop. 

"Ghosts..." Yeji hesitates at the wording. "Ghosts stay in the normal world because they have unfinished business, right?"

Jisu looks at her, expressionless. She leans close to Yeji, something indescribable in her eyes.

She leans closer and closer. Yeji can't do this. Not tonight. She shuts her eyes tight. A dream. She's going to wake up from some dream, pee, and go back to sleep.

She opens her eyes and Jisu is gone. She gets up and pees, refuses to look at the mirror, and goes back to bed.

Jisu doesn't appear to Yeji for months after. She only appears during her death anniversary.

A solemn group of four women in black surrounds the grave. It's in a secluded spot in the countryside with daisies growing wild around the spot. The view of the ugly lake isn't worth it.

The black, shiny, marble grave reflects the sun, like a glowing omen.

They set down the food for her, the offering, and place down their collection of picked daisies.

They go on their knees and bow.

"What would you say to Jisu if she was a ghost?" Yeji slurs, taking the shot of soju easily. 

"Tell her I loved her," Chaeryeong cries, sipping soju from the bottle. The dim lighting reflects through the sea-glass green and projects the color on the table. Yeji is fascinated by it.

They've been frying pork way into the night, eating like there's a hole in their stomachs. They've slammed their way through multiple bottles, and have eaten so much food that the ahjumma taking their orders looks at them with raised eyebrows. Plus, the fact that they're all wearing black isn't a great add-on. At best, they're mourning. At worst, they're cult members. 

"Fuck this place," Ryujin says angrily. "I want ice cream. I want us to be back together again. I want Jisu to not be dead."

Chaeryeong wails. Yuna cheers to that, downs the shot, and pours another.

"Let's stop drinking," Yeji sniffles. "I've drank so much alcohol that I'm practically crying it."

She pays for their food (which puts a real dent in her bank account, but she can charge them later) and hauls them out of the restaurant to the closest convenience store. They stumble along, Yeji and Ryujin holding Chaeryeong and Yuna up.

Once they reach the store, they buy their favorite ice cream bars and eat it outside. On the outdoor deck of the store has a collection of plastic chairs and tables, where they collapse on.

"This is so good," Chaeryeong says through her tears.

"I know right," Ryujin says. "I love being off a diet."

"Remember when Jisu smuggled in ice cream during our Icy comeback?" Yuna said, her mouth full of strawberry flavored ice cream. "I miss her so much."

"Remember when we were on that variety show and she figured out how to pull on those pants?" Yeji chimed in. "We should've gotten her an IQ test or something."

"Yeah!" Yuna chimes in. "Bet, she was 150 IQ, just like Einstein."

"Yes!" Ryujin bounced in her seat. "We should all take IQ tests. I wanna see who fails."

"You can't fail an IQ test, idiot," Chaeryeong rolls her eyes. 

"Ryujin is going to fail the IQ test," Yuna cracks, and they all laugh.

Their chorus of laughter sounds like a laugh track perfect for some godforsaken "comedy" show. It still sounds wrong to Yeji without Jisu's laugh mixed in.

Jisu is sitting on the couch like she's waiting for someone when Yeji arrives in the wee hours of the morning. 

"Hey Jisu," Yeji says tiredly. She doesn't bother trying to see if it's some fucking mind game. It's just Jisu. 

Jisu follows her at a distance. Her eyes are soft, liquidy like she drank too much wine and got too invested in some shitty romance plot.

Yeji spots her in the mirror when she brushes her teeth, catches her peeking when Yeji changes into pajamas, and sees her hovering by the door, looking at Yeji in bed.

"Let's go to bed," Yeji says. Her eyes hurt from keeping them open for too long. 

In her half-conscious state, she feels the bed dip down and even out, feels the blankets move up and down to cover Jisu, hears her breathing.

Yeji hears something of a murmur. But she's already swallowed a spoonful of sleep and she wants another.

Yeji gets the notion in her head that she should clean out everything. She wants it gone. She gets the garbage bags and starts tossing things in there: a broken coffee mug with spare change in it sans the spare change, a shit ton of dresses she thought she would wear, useless pieces of paper with odd scribbles like "apples??", an "artsy" stack of books that she's never read and secretly loathes, an ugly lamp, gross motel art that she bought secondhand to fill her white walls, and starts looking through dressers when she stops.

She has some of Jisu's clothes still. They've lost her smell, and haven't been worn in years, but they look so normal. Jisu's sweater sits tucked on the left, while a stack of her pastel shirts sits on the left.

And suddenly, she realizes how much of Jisu's stuff she just has.

Jisu's earrings are in her jewelry box. The rooster bowl set she bought off the home shopping network because the description was "Handsome fellows on these beautifully shaped, white porcelain bowls." She had laughed so hard at it and bought them almost immediately. When the package arrived, Jisu was delighted. And sometimes, Yeji accidentally puts a package of vanilla biscuits in her grocery basket, just because Jisu liked them so much. And sometimes, she buys it and keeps it in the cabinet until it expires and she has to toss it.

She runs to the kitchen and checks her cabinets. Something in her breaks when she sees the vanilla biscuits haphazardly tossed next to boxes of spaghetti. She stands up and her eyes catch on the sink. A rooster bowl sits in the sink, full of soapy water. She turns around and goes to the dresser by the door, a mirror propped on top of it.

Her jewelry box is there. Jisu's earrings are there.

Jisu smiles at her. She looks at her earrings and touches her earlobes softly.

She blinks. Jisu is gone.

"We should probably date," Jisu says. Queen of casual. "We can be girlfriends."

Yeji looks at her. She doesn't know how she feels.

"You don't have to say yes," Jisu says. She's now awkward. Her gaze is fixated on a spot on the wall.

"Jisu," Yeji begins carefully, but Jisu knows what's coming. She trembles, just a little. It makes saying the rest of it difficult. "I really do love you. But we know we can't be girlfriends."

Jisu cries. Silently, which makes the quiet so much worse. Watching Jisu shake and muffle her cries with her hand.

"I-I know," she spits out, her body shuddering. "But- I r-really. Really like you."

Yeji stays still, rooted to her spot. 

"Why-y?" Jisu stutters on her words and it makes it seem so horrible. Yeji is horrible.

Because of ITZY, she thinks. She can't risk ITZY. There are trainees who never get the chance to debut. She can't risk this. If they're caught dating, at best: they leave the group. At worst: the group disbands and everyone hates them.

And Yeji is ITZY's leader. She knows better than anyone.

Jisu's quiet wails hurt more than she wants to know.

("What's with you and Jisu?" Ryujin had jerked a thumb at Jisu who was with Chaeryeong, chatting.

"What are you talking about?" Yeji asks. She glances at Jisu.

"You've stopped talking with her," Ryujin says. "You don't hang out as much. Even the fans realize it."

"It's nothing," Yeji assures. "She's probably just sick of me." She says it jokingly, but it's probably true. Ryujin looks a little convinced.

"I'll talk to her about it," Yeji says, placing a hand on Ryujin's shoulder. "There's no need to worry.")

Yeji sits on the cold floor of her studio. She has a horrible headache and trying to will it away with every cell in her body isn't working.

She tries warming up, doing some quick stretches, but her body doesn't want to do anything. She just wants to lay in bed and think. She wants nothing in her everything. She wants someone but doesn't know who. Or maybe she does know who.

She hates this so much. If she tells the others, then they'll look at her with pity, or like she's crazy. She sees Jisu and it messes her up. It sucks, having to mourn over and over again. Jisu introduces herself to the world for the second time and Yeji is the one who has to deal with seeing her dead best friend smile at her in the mornings. 

She knows why it's her but she doesn't want to know that. She just wants to be a normal person. She wants to live her life without Jisu peeking into it. 

She wants to live a life where Jisu isn't a ghost. That's just what she wants.

And even if ghost Jisu leaves, she'll mourn for her too. 

The universe fucked up Yeji for the better or for the worse, but as Yeji lays on that cold, hardwood floor, feeling bitter and pitiful at the same time, she thinks it's for the worse.

"Jisu..?" Huddled in the dark studio is Jisu, who is slumped against the mirror. Yeji thinks she's sleeping. Jisu gets tired easily. They're all tired, she thinks. 

"Y...Yeji?" Jisu blinks awake.

"Hey," Yeji makes her voice go soft.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" Jisu says. She's still sleepy. And warm. Yeji can feel how warm she is even though they're not touching.

"Things have been sucky," Yeji says, trying to search for anything in Jisu's expression. Just professional familiarity. "between us."

"I mean," Jisu laughs a little. "We kiss, I want to date you, and you say no. Things get sucky easy."

"You know why I can't say yes," Yeji says. She's bordering on sad and irritated. 

"I know, but," Jisu looks at her. "Even if we weren't in ITZY. Would you have said yes?"

Yeji hesitates. It's the breaking point. She hesitates and Jisu sees it and what normality they've tried to build upon this moment has been lost.

Maybe this is what it's like, being in a car crash. The numb feeling that you can't stop what's happening. The sharp, muffled sound in your ears. Knowing that the end is bad, but please, not now.

Jisu screams and wails at her and Yeji sits where she used to sit, feeling herself shrink. Jisu is so angry and betrayed and Yeji caused that. She hates herself so much. 

"Aren't you going to say anything?" Jisu seethes, waiting for her to ruin it all. Yeji swallows the lump in her throat and looks at the ground. She hates herself. She's so sorry, Jisu, so sorry. 

So, so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Not sorry enough.

Please I didn't mean it.

Why can't you love me

I do love you, but I can't

But do you love me

I do

I still think you're lying

I'm not. Jisu, you're my best friend. Why would I lie to you?

People lie all the time for different reasons.

Jisu, please.

Please what?

Just understand me.

I do understand you! Why can't you let me be angry about this? 

I know but being angry will do nothing about it.

The world doesn't revolve around you! I just want to be angry. Why can't you let me be angry?

You are angry already! So why are you lashing out on me?

You caused this!

I caused this? You caused this!

No! You're the one that made this happen. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Go fuck yourself, Jisu. Try to grow up.

You're the one that needs to grow up. Why can't-

Why why why. That's all you say. You're tired of being angry. You can stop.

I don't want to.

Yes, you do. You were just sleeping. You've been screaming at me. You're tired.

I'm not tired. I hate you.

Don't hate me, Jisu.

I fucking hate you. I hate loving you. Why do you make it so difficult?

I love you too, okay? You think it's so hard for you, but it's hard for me too. If you can't understand our situation, then try to understand me.

Okay.

Okay?

Yes, okay. I-I'm s-

No. Don't say it. There's nothing to be sorry for.

Yeji, I said I hated you.

And that's okay. We were angry. We said things. We're fine.

We're fine?

Yes. We're fine. We'll find a way to make things work out. 

Really?

Yes. Really. Yejisu, remember?

Yejisu. I remember. 

I love you, Su.

I love you, Yeji.

I'm never leaving, okay?

Okay.

You're stuck with me until we die.

Okay.

  
  


Yeji wakes up the next morning with a fever. She calls in sick to work, gives Deborah a day off, and makes canned chicken noodle soup. The comforter wrapped around her body drags against the floor and probably sweeps it up better than any Swiffer Wet Jet. 

She turns on the tv and watches a series of Egyptian Alien conspiracy theories while eating noodles. After a while, she tracks down her aspirin and takes one with water, and then dozes off on the couch.

When she wakes up, the monotone narrator keeps droning on about how aliens helped transport materials for the pyramids. He has a dying-inside kind of voice that clearly shows one thing: he's not paid enough for this.

Jisu sits on the same armchair she sat on when Yuna slept on the couch. She watches the show before glancing at Yeji, clearly checking up on her.

"Jisu?" Yeji croaks out, her voice wrecked. "I'm sorry."

Jisu turns back to the show. She's not happy or sad. Her face is hauntingly (ha) neutral.

"Sorry for not loving you the way you loved me," she says. Her voice breaks at the end and she cringes. "I tried. I really did."

Jisu glances at her. Turns back to the tv.

"Stuck with me until we die, right?" Yeji recalls the line. Jisu glances at her, and this time, it lasts a few seconds longer, like she's trying to decode her.

Jisu makes eye contact with her. Yeji's eyes water as she tries not to blink. Instead, she gets a coughing spell and when she looks up, shaking, Jisu is gone.

Her fever breaks late at night. She wakes up, her body aching, and gulps down the lone glass of water on her table. Whenever she moves, her stomach gurgles, and she can feel the water moving back and forth.

Yeji treats Jisu like she's glass after their fight. ITZY tiptoes on eggshells around them. They know something's wrong, but they never push. It's a relief, them not pushing to hear the story. Yeji doesn't know if she can repeat it without feeling her heart burst. It's the memories that haunt her at random times: taking a shower, frying an egg, working out. It's like a sniper took her out every damn time. 

"Hey, Yeji," Yuna nuzzles up to her side. Yeji is flipping through channels, bored. She just showered after a particularly long dance practice and her body feels like mush.

"Yuna Tuna," Yeji mumbles, "what's wrong?"

Yuna sits up, "Nothing's wrong."

"You don't cuddle with me unless something is wrong," Yeji says. Her spine is made of jello right now.

"Listen, I didn't mean to break the microwave, but that's not why I'm cuddling you."

"You broke the microwave?!" Yeji's spine snaps back into place and she shifts up, freaked.

"I DIDN'T MEAN TOO!" Yuna insists.

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" 

"I DON'T KNOW, IT JUST BROKE!"

Yeji breathes out of her nose and makes a mental note to replace the microwave. 

"Honestly, Yuna," Yeji says. "Maknae benefits, huh?"

"That's what keeps me going," Yuna says. Her eyes catch on a channel. "Ooh, that one, Yeji. I missed the finale when it finally aired, but I loved the show."

"Alright," Yeji clicks OK and sets the remote down. Over the course of the episode, Chaeryeong joins them, and so does Ryujin, until Jisu, drawn out of her room, joins their cuddle session. And like that, they're whole. They may not be completely okay with each other, still afraid to fuck this up, but they're warm and content with sitting in front of the TV to watch a drama Yuna likes.

Yeji loves ITZY with all of her heart. She'd do anything for her group members. She sees them and counts her lucky stars that it's them against the world, young and happy and a little stupid.

Yeji isn't complete without ITZY.

Yeji hates yelling at her favorite girl group. They're so young, cheeks still rosy, baby hair curling at the temple. Yeji hates to even point out a single mistake.

But it's her job.

"Again," Yeji says and there's some soft grumbling from the younger members as they go through their new comeback choreo.

But a member stumbles and they're out of sync and it's irritating Yeji for no reason.

"Again," Yeji says. "Remember, lips, heart, twist hands, open, glide." She mimes the move, her hand to her lips, moving it down to her heart, placing her left hand over her right hand, popping it out, flicking her wrist, and creating an imaginary bubble with her hand movements. 

"Again," Yeji repeats, watching their hand movements. She made this piece. "Wait." She says. Their tired faces look up at her.

"5-minute break," Yeji says, staring at their hopeful faces. They disperse into the hallway, chattering loudly.

Yeji pushes off from her resting position against the mirror and stands in front.

She tries out the dance again, just by herself.

Lips, heart, twist hands, glide. And then it feels maybe too familiar to one of ITZY's dance moves and she starts dancing a section from Icy, as familiar as ever. Yeji hates how perfect it feels, after years of practicing drilling it back into her, like singing a song you sang all those years ago. 

It slips back into her bones, relying on muscle memory to lead her without the thudding bass line. 

She hears the girl group's talking get louder and throws herself back onto the mirror. She forces her body straight, her mind still echoing the remains of "I see that I'm icy."

This time, when the girl group does their lip, heart, open her hands, twist, and glide, they do it perfectly.

"We have a full schedule today," their manager barks out in the car, handing out paper copies. "Radio show, back to change outfits, then variety show, changing, then MCing."

Jisu shifts nervously, pale and trembling. Yeji takes off her jacket and shyly drapes it over Jisu's shoulder. Small steps, she reminds herself, Seoul blurring past them as the van drives on. Small steps.

"Are you okay, Jisu?" Yeji asks as Jisu tugs her jacket tighter around her.

"I feel a little sick," Jisu says, and presses her fingers to her forehead. Her fingers must be cold because she flinches slightly. Yeji takes her hands and tucks them into the pockets.

"When we get back to the dorm, you can take some medicine," Yeji says, and Ryujin nods.

The radio show is the worst, seeing Jisu force a smile through it all. Yeji starts to over-worry. Once one is sick, another follows. It's a domino effect. Maybe a stylist or fan accidentally gave a cold to her while meeting.

Yuna jokes that Yeji doesn't need to dye her hair because her hair's gone all white from the stress. Yeji just worries a tad too much. It's not anything bad, not for a group leader, but she's worried in too many different ways.

Jisu sneezes in the middle of the radio show and Yeji's attention snaps back to her. She hands her a tissue, bites her lip, and turns back to answer her question.

It'd be easier to escort Jisu out to the dorm and tuck her in bed, but she can't.

It's frustrating, being limited in a million different ways just to do what she loves. She can't go out alone anymore. Can't go out at night unless she has permission. It's like being a child again.

There are a million different ways Yeji could help Jisu could better, but she's not privy to any of them. So she sits there and answers a question about their comeback.

It's Jisu's birthday.

Yuna has a photoshoot, Ryujin is in the middle of acting, and Chaeryeong has a big test due.

So Yeji buys the cake and sets it up with the candles the bakery always send it with and breaks two matches before getting one lit.

And there, a flare in the dark, yellow and white illuminating her face. A candle flickers. Yeji lights the others and waits for Jisu.

"Jisu," Yeji says, feeling stupid. "You don't want to skip your own birthday, do you?"

Another candle flickers. Yeji jumps, spooked.

"Happy birthday to you," Yeji sings to her empty apartment. "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Jisu. Happy birthday to you."

Yeji claps her hands. Jisu doesn't appear. Not even during her own birthday party.

Well, it's not much of a party. Just Yeji and a cake.

Yeji doesn't want to blow out the candles when it becomes clear Jisu isn't around. She gets a handheld fan and puts it at the highest level to blow it out.

She leaves the cake there, little drips of pink wax forming on the cold icing, moisture beginning to bead the sides.

She slumps against the couch. Hwang Yeji is lonely. On Jisu's birthday.

"I had a bit of a fever yesterday," Chaeryeong says worriedly as she watches Jisu take some aspirin. Yeji crushes the pill up since Jisu can't swallow pills and makes her take it with some water.

"You think you got Jisu a little sick?" Yeji asks, wrapping her arm around Chaeryeong. Ah, Chaeryeong, the one who spent all those years waiting for a chance to debut, finally got her turn with them. Chaeryeong, who seems so small when she isn't ITZY's Chaeryeong. She's just Ryeong, away from the spotlight.

Jisu coughs and Yuna pats her back, whispering loudly, "Hey, can I do the Heimlich on you?"

Jisu whispers back a hoarse "yes," and Yuna cheers.

"I hope I didn't get Jisu unnie sick," Chaeryeong says. "But I think I accidentally gave it to her."

"That's okay," Yeji says. "We can take her to the doctor afterward.”

On the ride to the cafe, a stylist sits in with them and touches up their makeup. The car hits a bump, and a powder tin falls to the floor, leaving bits of powder everywhere.

Yuna snorts while the manager tries to clean it up.

They arrive at the cafe and sit at a table in front of a row of cameras.

They have a feature where they order their coffees from a faceless barista and telling the audience why they like them. Jisu orders a chamomile tea and says it makes her feel calm.

Ryujin and Chaeryeong exchange eye contact.

They sit in front of the cameras with their drinks and laugh and chat over muted questions.

Eventually, they take a break before going into the next segment.

Jisu goes to the bathroom while Yuna watches a staff member's card tricks. Yeji cleans up the empty bottles, shooing away their manager as she tosses paper cups into the garbage.

Ryujin checks her phone and Chaeryeong takes a selca.

Yeji goes to the bathroom and hears the faucet turn on. Satisfied, she goes and nuzzles her way into Chaeryeong's photo. Yeji makes a stupid face.

But it's been a minute already and Yeji is worried that Jisu may be throwing up.

Yeji goes back to the bathroom and knocks.

"Jisu?" She says. "We have to start filming again."

No response.

"Jisu?" Yeji knocks again. "Are you okay?"

Still no response. 

The door is locked, but it's a bathroom, so it's not like there's a stall she can check. Yeji will have to either wait for Jisu or unlock it.

"Excuse me?" Yeji asks the director. "Do you have the key to the bathroom?"

"Ah, is she stuck?" The director asks, pulling out a key. "The bathroom lock tends to get stuck."

"Thank you," Yeji says, not answering his question. She goes to the bathroom and unlocks it, peeking through the door. If Jisu is throwing up, she wouldn't want the staff to see.

What she finds is so much worse.

Jisu, slumped over the sink, the faucet still running, her hair inky black. Part of her clothes is wet, too.

Yeji screams.

Screams so loud that Ryujin jokingly screams back, screams so loud that Chaeryeong flinches a little and go to see what's wrong, screams so loud that the camera crew goes to check on her, screams so loud that Yuna gets curious enough to try to see, screams so loud that everything just fucking  _ shifts _ .

The worst day of her life was that day. The sinking feeling that didn't mean anything yet, camera crew calling for an ambulance, seeing Jisu, so fragile and so pale being lifted onto a gurney, the words trapped into her brain.

Yuna cries, still so young, and runs after the ambulance, sobbing in the street.

Chaeryeong follows her and brings her back and Yeji folds her into the tightest hug she can muster and Ryujin stands just outside the cafe, her face stormy, her arms crossed.

And there's that feeling of realization, how her manager and the paramedics whispered, how their manager's face paled, how they rushed off so quickly.

Chaeryeong trembled, and Yeji pulled her into a hug too, pulling them so close together.

It feels like the end of an era, the end of the timeline. Everything shifted, and now everything just feels so wrong. Yeji wants to give up, wants to run away and cry alone, but Chaeryeong and Yuna need Yeji to be Hwang Yeji, their leader, so she doesn't run away. She squeezes them even tighter.

Yeji chokes back a sob.

Jisu is gone.

"Yeji, wake up," Yuna says loudly, poking Yeji with her fifteen-inch nails. Yeji almost falls off the couch in her haste to get away from her evil nails. Of course, they're black and pointy.

"Yeji!" Chaeryeong says, holding up the cake. "You already bought one?"

"How did you get in?" Yeji asks, scrubbing at her face with her hands.

"I hacked your passcode thingy and found the number," Ryujin says,

"You left your door unlocked," says Yuna. "You know, we could've robbed you."

Chaeryeong relights the candles and they gather around the cake.

"Happy birthday to you," Chaeryeong starts, goading them into singing.

"Happy birthday to you," they all join in. "Happy birthday, dear Jisu!"

Yeji sees, out of the corner of her eye, Jisu walk up to the empty space around the cake, her face glowing. 

"Happy birthday to you!!!" Ryujin sings in a deep opera voice while Yuna whisper-sings her high notes. They all take a breath, but Yeji can see Jisu take her own breath and blow.

The candles extinguish, tendrils of smoke rising from the wax candles, and Chaeryeong cuts the first slice for Jisu.

Yeji and Jisu make eye contact, and Jisu smiles, fully, her eyes crinkled just the way they used to, and Yeji smiles back.

"CAKE!" Ryujin declares loudly. "LET THE PEASANTS EAT CAKE!" She gives a slice to Yeji.

Jisu smiles at her and nods solemnly, wistfulness in her expression. Yeji doesn't want to look away, doesn't want her to go.

But she betrays her heart and looks down at her slice of cake, and when she does look up, Jisu is gone, vanished from their group. Yuna smears frosting on Ryujin's cheeks and Chaeryeong steals all the chocolate decorations on the cake, but Yeji stares at where Jisu used to be.

Choi Jisu.

Gone.

And it hurts just as much as the day Jisu died.

  
  
  


Jisu never visits Yeji after that.

**Author's Note:**

> additional tag: Deborah | Coffee Maker (ITZY)
> 
> tell me what you thought! validate me with kudos! <3  
> [twitter!](https://twitter.com/honeyeddeong)  
> [cc!](https://curiouscat.me/honeyeddeong)


End file.
